Pacific Storms

 I am a circumnavigator. Not the "I took a jet to Delhi and then flew back via the pacific" kind (thought I have done that too),  but a real live took a ship around the world kind. Did it on the USS Texas CGN-39 back in the early 80's. Wound up spending a lot of time in the Pacific, not just then but on subsequent deployments with the fleet. God blessed member of the Order of Magellan. Then I spent the last 34 years of my life living out here in the Bay Area. Bottom line, a lot of my life has been in, around or right next to the Pacific. If you grew up inland, or on the gulf or the east coast, it is hard to get your head around just how vast that stretch of water really is, and just how much it drives the climate, and the life, of those in it and next to it.  Maybe I am waxing a bit mystical here, and some climate scientist will want to debate, but for me it's existence has always felt huge, insanely powerful and all together a much more impressive beast than the Atlantic. 

The last two years we have seriously felt it. Last year was one for the record books for storms, rain and even snow, all courtesy of vast storms spinning off the coast. This year, while it started slow, is no different and as I write this there is the second of two huge storms driving atmospheric rivers smashing into the west coast. But we cannot complain, because with out them, CA would be all desert. 

Tonight I am home alone with the dog. My wife and youngest are off on a 10 day forced march of final auditions for 20 some BFA musical theater college programs. The youngest, who was a munchkin when I first wrote in this blog, has grown up to be a very talented, brilliant and beautiful young woman, HS senior. She is a triple threat, sings, dances and acts. I would be with them, but one of us has to keep the fort and the dog. There is one final audition at the end of Feb back east, I will be the duty parent for that one. 

How the time has flown. 

Tonight I spent some time reading through my old blogs. I have, at one point or another, kept three, including this one. I also had a blog-ish set of Facebook posts, during and after the pandemic. They cover almost 20 years, though very intermittent. Clearly I write when I am inspired by life, usually when most challenged, and put it aside when the need to process becomes lesser than the need to get on with things. What is the old saw, there are those who do, those who write, those who teach and those who critique?  I mostly do, and write when I need, but as soon as the need is gone I get back to the doing. 

Much has happened in 20 years, mostly all good. My oldest is married with kids (yes I am a granddad), the next one is newly married and pregnant (about to be a granddad again). The middle girl is grown up and working as a therapist in Boston. And now the youngest is auditioning for BFA, finishing up High School and next year off to college, probably back east. I am only a few years from retirement (well earned and comfortable) and my wife is working her last gig, and with luck will also be ready to be done when I am. 

So now what? Realistically, we have another almost year of getting the youngest launched into University, and that is our focus. But it is becoming clear that this phase of our lives is coming to a close and a new one is about to begin. We have some ideas, moving closer to the bulk of the kids and family, which implies leaving CA for the other coast. Having more time for each other and less stress around being primary parents while learning to enjoy being parents of adults and grandparents. Beyond that, hard to say. I am sure that every parent goes through this, though in our case we are facing two things at the same time, empty nest and retirement. I think most get to do this in two steps, at least my parents did. Lots of existential questions around both, and now both happening at the same time. 

Also, all my previous life changes had aspects of bad (something bad happened, like a divorce) and something good (finding a new partner, starting a new life in a new place). Or losing a job and finding a new job and career. This time, there really is no bad driving me or us. Yes, it will be weird having the youngest move out, but it is part of a great next phase for her, and it is not like she is exiting our lives. One things about this time is that there is really nothing external driving us, change is happening and we can move with it as we want to, in our own time. 

Of course, for a task based guy like me, maybe that is the hard part, or at least the part that gives me pause. Usually, life has driven me to moves and decisions, actions that were  clear and related to choices I had to make. This change will be based entirely on what we want to do, not on what we have to do to get what we want. For a guy who is primarily externally motivated, that is different. 

So for tonight, nothing bad. Yes there is a storm swinging in from the vast Pacific, but the house is on solid high ground, it is well maintained with very good drainage. It will rain, and it will pass, and the garden will be very happy. Change is coming again, but it is of the good kind. We are solid, we are in great health and well positioned for anything that comes. We just need to figure out what we want for the next 20  or 30 years. 

Finally, a life change that is not an existential crisis.